I am loving this cooler weather. It still gets hot in the house in the 2 rooms with windows that have a view of the backyard (my bedroom and the family room). The sun hits those windows for most of the second half of the day. So by about 1 or so, it gets hot. That coupled with tall ceilings and old windows doesn’t help. But I love the chill in the early morning. Especially while still in bed. It feels cozy to curl up tight with my comforter. Especially after the brutal heat of summer.
I can’t sleep in anymore. Not late anyway. My husband works 2 jobs, so we go to bed around 10 pm or so. I don’t always fall asleep right away, and I get up a few times a night. But come 7:30 I can’t sleep a minute longer. This is, of course, for weekends and school days off. Otherwise I’m up at 5:45.

I still have one left in school. This is his first year of high school. He still hasn’t hit that growth spurt. He’s still a sweet kid. No teenage angst yet. He’s always been so sweet and kind. Very warm hearted and nice to others, even when they don’t deserve it. He has taught me a new kindness. A deeper compassion. He has always made me smile.

On the one hand, I can’t wait for him to be done with school. He struggles with his ADD. It was really hard at the end of elementary and early junior high. But ADD gets easier to self manage as they get older. He has a hard time retaining information for very long. We used to spend hours trying to get his homework done. We tried meds. They made him irritable and super tired come lunch time. We tried several. Then I tried homeschooling him for a year. Super hard while working. Especially with my job. We then decided on private school. Smaller class sizes, free tutoring. And my husband worked there so we were discounted. My daughter started there the year before him, with her freshman year. We didn’t want them to lose themselves in public school. Our oldest did. And it comforted me to know my 2 youngest and husband were all in the same place all day. I feel we made the right decision. Even though we absolutely can not afford it. That’s part of the “I can’t wait” category. Along with the 45-minute drive. But he’s the last one, too. It’s bittersweet, I guess. That’s how I would describe parenting. Bittersweet.

Mom and wife. Those are my favorite titles. It’s so much of who I am. I became a mom just 2 months before my 18th birthday. Met my now husband 2 months shy of my 20th birthday. We went through a miscarriage 10 months later. Had our daughter 10 months after that. Then married 9 months later at 22. We had my youngest when we were nearly 26. I was still growing up while being a mom, so that became my identity, I suppose. That paired with having shitty parents had me giving it my all. I had always dreamed of having a family. I loved playing house growing up. My grandma would buy real baby clothes for my dolls. I loved picking them out. I didn’t dream about a wedding. Just the aftermath. A husband and kids. And I was a good mom. I lived for them. My day and life revolved around them. We didn’t have the money to go out. When my daughter was born, I quit working. The cost of daycare would have been most of my earnings. So we chose to struggle a bit so I could be there. And it absolutely was the right decision. I wouldn’t want to change any of it.

However, I do want to do other things and be other things as well. I guess money holds me back. We are all struggling in this world right now. I live in a touristy area, so doing anything social or fun costs extra. Things will change for us. I know they will. We work hard and are good people. Plus, we’ve been through a lot of struggles this past year. After long periods of hardship, good things always happen. You can’t have the good without the bad.

In my journey of self-discovery, I keep thinking of things I already know about myself. To list them all at once would make for a very boring post. Plus, I would always think of something else later. So I will end with another fact I know of myself….

I love scents. Candles. Incense. Air freshners. My splurge is bath and body works air freshners. I always stock up big during sales. I suppose now I also really like their body creams. I use them daily. I like their body sprays too, but do not use them quite as much. I have tons of febreeze air freshner sprays in different scents. And a car air freshner. It’s my aroma therapy, I suppose. The one I use in my room is raspberries and whipped vanilla. I think this love started from my aunt when I was little. I always felt so connected to her. And I loved the things she loved. I love natural smells too. The ocean. The crisp morning air. And bon fires. We had a fire pit at our old house, and I absolutely loved sitting outside by the fire. I bought smores every time just to lure my kids out to it in hopes they would love it just as much. My oldest is the only one who would spend any great length of time outside with me by the fire. That’s one of my many project ideas with this house. Building a fire pit. Soon.