Halloween is almost here. I’ve been trick or treating most of my life. I myself may have skipped at 15 and/or 16 years old. I did, however, go at 17. I was pregnant and wanted the candy. I was in a bad relationship and had nothing. I had moved out and had no help. I wasn’t eating much. I was also trying to bond with my Exs siblings. The following year, I went as a new mom. Covid, of course, canceled Halloween 2020. But this is the first year I’m actually not going as a mom besides that. My youngest is 14. He hasn’t cared for Halloween much since he was really young. He doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth, and he doesn’t see the big deal. We bargained with him to go the last several years. We thought he would regret not doing it. We always said just a couple of streets and would push him just a little more. His sister has had plans with friends the last few years. It’s been just me, my husband, and our youngest.

Their experience is completely different from my Halloween experience as a kid. It’s much warmer down here. We lived up north. Most Halloweens were cold and sometimes rainy. We had to wear clothes under our costumes and winter coats over them. Also, we started right before sunset and went until almost 9 pm. We would have a pillowcase, empty it in the car halfway through the night, and start again. Of course, our dad took a bunch, and we had to hide the rest from him and each other. Other being my sister.  

We will probably do what we did the year of covid and grab some bags of candy and watch a Halloween movie. My daughter is going with some friends to the fair.

It is not lost on me, especially as of lately, that my kids are growing up. Even though they all live here, they have lives. My oldest son and daughter do not tell me much of what’s going on in their lives. My oldest son is either seeing someone and has seen multiple someone’s the last 3 weekends. He refuses to tell me anything in the name of privacy. He thinks I was overly in his business during his teenage years. I was. He was always so sneaky and getting into trouble. He made a lot of dumb decisions. I felt I had to. My daughter tells me a lot, but there is still so much I don’t know. It’s obvious from her cryptic Instagram stories. We have a healthy balance, though. She tells me enough that makes me feel close to her. What do I expect, really? My youngest and I are still close. We probably will be for a while until he finds someone romantically. He’s been my sunshine his whole life. He can always make me smile. We have always been very close. He’s such a good person.

It kinda hurts. I’m an open book with my kids. Well, in general, with my family. I don’t go do anything separate from them. I’m boring and basic. Most days, it doesn’t bother me, but sometimes it does.

This is part of what sparked me to better myself and find myself. The money isn’t there yet, but it will be. And when it is, I want to do things. I want to just randomly go down to the beach for dinner and have a stroll. I want to do touristy things that I haven’t due to finances. I’m kind of excited for the next chapter in my life. I want to feel ready and confident in that part of my life. Physically, I haven’t made any progress. Mentally, I’m stronger than I think I’ve ever been. I feel something big is right around the corner, and I’m excited for it. I’m over the top positive lately and trying to maintain that frequency. I know I was my own barrier in the past. I guess what has turned me around is when something over the top crazy or awful happens, I have been extremely calm in handling it. It made me stop and wonder why I waste the energy on being constantly worried and stressed about the little things. I was in a perpetual state of anxiety and stress. And for what? Times are tough for everyone, and if I look at the big picture, things do keep getting better for us. It does always work out in the end.