I have been feeling a bit lost lately. For quite a bit, if I’m being honest. I am tired of being stuck in that mode. It feels a bit like purgatory after a while. Not living, yet not quite dead.

I want to feel again. I want to experience life. Good and bad. I have been making steps toward that for a good year. If slow is the way to make changes, I’m killing it!

I’ve started regularly taking my vitamins again. I have been taking a mushroom gummie supplement as well. And a popular seamoss supplement from tik tok. I have been mindful for a good month or so about the frequency of stuff I surround myself with. I have created a Playlist on Spotify of healing/abundance/third eye opening frequencies/songs. My regular taste in music has annoyed me lately. Ads and radio chatter annoy me immensely.

I am mending a long-awaited relationship with a family member. And rekindled an almost breaking friendship with my dearest friend of 28 years. I have been praying hard. I have been giving thanks and feeling full gratitude for all I have, shifting my mindset from worry. I have been ridiculously positive. I am shifting my thoughts if ever they stray to the negative. Sounds easier than it is when you are used to worrying about every little thing. Every disturbance in your routine. Every unexpected expense. Every possibility of a bad outcome in order to prepare in case it does. It’s been so freeing to let that go.

I am slowly becoming a newer version of myself and find myself wondering who is it I want to be. I guess it starts with the absolutes. The things I know I am.

I am strong. I have been through a lot. I had a rough childhood. My first few memories aren’t good. I do not give myself enough credit for all I have overcome. I suffer, I suppose, from PTSD from my childhood and my first serious relationship with my oldest sons father. I have long suffered from depression and anxiety. Both eased greatly by my shifting mindset.

I am understanding. Almost overly so. I’m empathic. So I feel so so deeply. I can truly put myself in anyone’s shoes and understand both sides of every situation. The only people I cannot understand or feel empathy for are people who hurt others, especially children and animals. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

I give too much of myself. I have realized that lately. Especially to my children. I felt righteous in that until recently. They are becoming adults. They can do for themselves. I have very little myself and there are things I need badly, like clothes, for example and yet I am buying them things they do not need. I can not remember the last time in a decade I have had more than 3 outfits and 2 bras in rotation. 1 fav pair of pjs at a time. It’s my own fault, really. But I do not want to live that way anymore. For a long while, I was too giving of my time to things that do not matter. And people who do not matter enough.

I like a clean home. Although I struggle with that lately. It’s too hard to keep clean with so many people and pets in our home. I can put in the work, and I’m good at it. It just doesn’t stay that way from very long and it can be defeating. I’m trying not to let it get to me lately. It used to overwhelm me deeply. But there are things I can’t do anything about right now. Like the fact that we have an elderly dog and she has destroyed the living room carpet, and the family room rug, which has been thrown out of course. She just smells the whole house up. I’m always washing her bedding, as she has bladder leakage. My struggles are temporary. They will pass.

I am a cat person. I guess I always have been. Both sides of my family have always agreed on that atleast. I was always surrounded by cats. I love the companionship without the neediness and annoyance of a clingy dog. I do not hate dogs. I just do not want to own anymore. I like other people’s dogs. Visiting dogs. Not living with them.

I am a dreamer. I can live in fantasy. I think that’s due to my childhood. Always imagining a better life. A different life. In fact, it was the ACOTAR series that recently reconnected me and my best friend on a deeper level. She lives 900+ miles away. It’s my fault, not hers. I am a true romantic. I love a good love story.

I think this is a good intro. More to follow….